The stray cats in our neighborhood are becoming quite the problem. The woman across the street, bless her heart, just keeps feeding them. This food gives them just enough energy to get it on (verly loudly and publicly, i might add) and have bunches of kittens. And then she feeds the kittens, and then they get it on. It’s a vicious cycle and i’m getting to the point where i think i should step in and trap these cats and get them fixed. This realization came when i noticed, as she was walking her dog, that she had about 9 cats “escorting” her down the sidewalk. I have to admit, I was a tad jealous. Because cat affection is hard to get. And she had close to (i’m guessing here) 15-20 admirers. In our household of 2 cats, i only have 1 admirer. The other, i’m certain, is plotting to kill me. So yeah, i’m a bit jealous. I heard that this place in Massillon will fix the stray cats for free if you are able to trap them and bring them in, and i am really considering doing this. If i don’t I’m quite certain that in a year or two, our neighborhood will have to submit to Cat Law. But then i thought, maybe cat law wouldn’t be so bad.
Top 5 reasons cat law would be better than human law
5) You can destroy things in the name of anger. This is a totally acceptable way, in cat world, to express how you feel. Gone are the days of counting down from 10, going for a run, or taking any prescription drugs to tame your feelings. Get rejected for a date? Knock over a lamp. Boss being a jerk at work? Poop on the floor. Did the restaurant overcook your steak? Shred someone shoes to bits. Not only will you feel better, but the other cats will take notice and admire you.
4) You can destroy things in the name of happiness. Cats do this weird ‘kneading’ thing when they’re happy. Usually to all my favorite blankets. They claw at it, ever so gently, while purring. I googled it once and it has something to do with feeling comforted when they’re kittens. Who knows, cats are weird. In my heavier days, my gut seemed to be like a wonderful water bed, and they would knead and purr and it was so cute i just let them go ahead and do it. And it’s the reason all my fat clothes have tiny holes from where their claws would get stuck , they would panic and dash off, taking some of my shirt with them.
3) Acquire a deep, profound feeling of importance simply by gazing out the window. Our cats spend most of their time gazing out the window, darting their heads back and fourth with every simple movement from the outside world. Sometimes, when something epic goes down (like a robin hunting for a worm in the front yard) Maiev (our cat) will dart from one front window to the next, securing every possible entry point the malicious robin could possibly breach. And there is nothing you can say or do to tear her away from her duties- not even with the suggestion of some fancy feast. To Maiev, she is the guardian of the estate, protecting it from sparrows, moths, and the occasional breeze-carried maple leaf.
2) Decline all social invitations by simply walking away. So, has your childhood friend Mittens invited you out to dinner to meet her current boyfriend (in a long line) Mr. Fluffy? It’s hard coming up with excuses on the spot, we all know this. “Sorry, Mittens, I have an evening planning of pooping outside of the litter box and scooping litter all over the floor” or “That chick i live with just bought a new pair of shoes so, naturally, i have to destroy them.” Gone will be those days under cat law! The typical response in these situations is to stare blankly at Mittens for a few moments. Once you have developed an adequate feeling of awkward, you will now walk a few feet away, lick yourself, and continue the awkward stare until Mittens discovers a butterfly to chase around.
1) Sleep when you are tired. There is no set schedule for sleeping like there in under human law. You don’t sleep when the sun goes down, you sleep when you are tired. Lets say you spend a few minutes chasing a fly around the house. Once it’s deceased, it’s time for a 3 hour nap. Get a drink of water? Nap. Throw up your Friskes? Nap. Notice those people who live with you are sleeping? TIme to sit on their face and nap.