I was doing some aimless facebook wandering tonight and came across an old boyfriend. “Oh i haven’t seen him in a while i wonder what he’s up to?” So i moved my mouse over to the “Add friend” button when i stopped. “Wait, Tara, hold on. Didn’t he make you mad once, and you made a scene in front of all his friends?” So i didn’t send the friend request. But it did make me curious to look up all those people i went on terrible, terrible dates with. That’s why Fabebook exists, right? That and to take picture of food. I don’t know why people keep using it to capture major life events. More pictures of food, people.
So i made a list of the top 5 worst dates that i’ve been on. And after i finished writing the list, i leaned back and smiled. GONE are the days of dates for me. Through marriage, i have earned the privilege of mindlessly looking though pinterest without pants or makeup, eating ice cream while with the company of a man. Marriage ain’t so bad.
Top 5 worst dates:
5) The Litter Bug: I had picked him up and we had planned to go to the drive in. He got in the car, opened up the newspaper (yes, this was about 10 years ago) and started listing off the movies as i drove. Once we had decided on one (and i think it was Vanilla Sky), he balled up the entire newspaper and threw it out of the roof of my car. Mortified, i backed the car up and made him pick it up. Yeah, that was a pretty bad date. Vanilla Sky was good though.
4) The old one: This one was a set up. I had gone out on a few dates with this one fellow, decided i didn’t much care for him, and astonishingly enough, remained friends with him.(He passed away a few years ago and makes me sad thinking of him) He set me up with one of his friends- who was 36 (and i was 24-25 at the time). He was a high school math teacher, and showed up to our date in a crisp blue button down shirt, and khakis with chalk on them. At this moment, i wished i lived under Cat Law, because i would have got up out of my seat and just walked out the front door. We had terrible dinner conversation- he laughed like a crazy person at all his lame jokes, told me that he DIDN’T WATCH TV, and (much to my surprise) loved rap. We met up with some of my friends later in the night, and he insisted on walking me to my car. I put a hand on door handle, gave a wave and blatantly lied and said “Thanks for a nice evening”. In which he interpreted as “You touch boobs now?”. I backed up, let out a laugh, and cringed. Then i drove away. In a different universe, he’s writing down a list of HIS worst dates, and i would fall under number 4- girl who lied about having a nice night
3) The one who wasn’t so bad: I met this one during my “Lets find strangers on the internet” phase. We met for coffee at starbucks, and other than the fact that he was short, he wasn’t half bad. Did i go home and immediately write in my diary about how great he was? No. But the winter of 2004 was long and boring. He had traveled a lot, so i had to listen to a lot of stories about how wonderful planet earth was. Yawn. But we had the same taste in everything, and he was a doctor- which was pretty impressive after dating a lot of directionless college freshmen. But after one decent date, he told me the next day he had got back together with his ex. Being the type of gal who swallows rejection elegantly, i gave a gentle sigh, nodded, and told him to screw off.
2) The Notebook Guy: We sat next to each other all though my American Religious History Class. This was my very last class in my very last semester at Akron U. I thought he was cute… and like a true crazy person, i got his email address off the roster. After the last class, i sent him a painfully sad email asking if he wanted to get coffee sometime. Something along the lines of “hey, i’m that weird chick who sits next to you. We talked about how excited we were that gta4 is coming out that one time.” He agreed. We got lunch at Chipotle (which was dreadful). I found out he was a Marine- impressed. I found out he liked country- i could look past it. He suggested i come back to his house while he grabbed his mail. He showed me his serpent collection- lizards and snakes and fish. As i was uncomfortably scanning his DVD collection, i let out a laugh and said “The Notebook?” And he looked at me, very sternly, and said “Yeah, why? It’s a great movie. Nicholas Sparks is a great storyteller.” I let out a sarcastic laugh, and he continued to stare at me like i just called his mom fat. And that was the end of that.
1) The Musician: Going on a date with a musician, in my experience, is like being the girl in a john mayer music video. And this is a very lame thing. I wasn’t a cast member in the date, i was an audience participant. Instead of the conversation being along the lines of “So what’s for favorite movie of all time?” I got strange questions like “If you were in line in the grocery store, and a shark cut you in line, what would you say to the shark?” (I think he thought he was showing off how clever he was) Or, and i hope everyone is reading this on an empty stomach, because it’s hurl worthy- He wrote down on a napkin yes or no, gave me the pen and said “Do you like my brown eyes, circle yes or no.” And when the date was over, he shook my hand. /facepalm.