My thoughts on: Writing

I haven’t been writing a lot lately, so I figured I would open up this old dinosaur and shake out some of the cobwebs. I published my first book back in June, and it has been an interesting adventure. I felt a little naked, to be honest, having something that substantial up for sale on the amazon store. With blogs, it’s just little snippets of carefully manicured text. And most of the time it isn’t even comprised of. Full sentences. With a novel, I sit down at various times of the year to hammer out new chapters, and a lot of the time my mood shift between sessions. And the key is to find that steady current inside of your brain that hasn’t been affected by all of the outside turbulence. Because if you don’t, the tone of your writing will shift, and you will end up with some lopsided mess. And heck, maybe that’s the book I wrote. Maybe it’s a lopsided mess. I wouldn’t really know, I haven’t really received much feedback. So, for today’s list, I present the top 5 things that frustrate me about self-publishing my first novel.

5) The publisher game. When I was little and I dreamed of publishing my first book (back in the early 1990’s), I had a scene painted perfectly in my head. The scene went something like this: I would spend an afternoon stuffing those big orange envelopes with copies of my manuscript. I would wait a few weeks, eagerly checking the mail each day for a response. And then, on one magical day, I would receive a letter stating that Publisher X has decided to publish my book. And I would celebrate by going to the grocery store and buying a can of vanilla frosting. (I was 10… clearly by now my celebration methods have shifted over to celebratory tacos).

But that’s not how it worked. I e-mailed my manuscript to 5 publishers. Each publisher made a direct point of stating that they were under no obligation to even respond to my submission. And I never heard from 4 of them. The fifth, however, responded to me immediately, and they told me that they would read my first three chapters and if they were still interested they would request for the read. Two weeks later, they requested the rest and I about bust out of my skin. 6 weeks after that, they sent me a contract! They said that they were excited to work on this project and would like to get started right after I signed the contract. And in their contract was a line that required me to pay $3,100 up front. My heart sank as I realized that this publishing house fell under the umbrella of “predatory publisher”. It was at that moment that I realized that I was going to have to learn how to pave the road on my own. I was going to have to market, edit, and promote my book myself… because I was new to this neighborhood and learned right off the bat that I couldn’t trust anyone. I was naive and innocent and clutching a dream that I would jump through any amount of hoops to achieve… and savvy business owners know how to profit off of ambition and hope. Screw them- I’ll just figure it out myself.

4) Asking for help. I make it a point not to ask anyone for anything. There’s no scar tissue lying underneath that statement- it’s just based on a level of courtesy. I don’t want to be a bother to anyone, and I don’t want to be perceived as annoying. But when it comes to marketing… you have to do all of those things. I didn’t want my social media accounts to be plastered with marketing posts for my books… because I know how much I get annoyed when the only thing a friend posts about is something they want me to buy. I’m not friends with you because I want to buy nail polish, I’m friends with you because I like to see how you are doing. And how your cats are doing. And what you ate for dinner. So, I tried to walk the line of ‘thoughtful encouragement’, without stepping over into ‘walking billboard’. I also tried to not get my feelings hurt when friends refused to like my book’s facebook page. I tried, without success. I’m soft.

3) Watching that KDP dashboard page stagnate. The Amazon dashboard page that shows you how many books you have sold, how many pages people have read on their kindles, and how much you have made in royalties. At this point, all I have to do is type in K in a browser window to be met with a gnawing disappointment. Sometimes… sometimes I have sales… but those sales never result in reviews. And when you are grappling with the concept of spending time to write a sequel… reviews are important. And I’ve been met with an uneasy radio silence. And all I can think is that everyone is heeding their mothers advice of “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Usually that doesn’t hold true when it comes to internet strangers… but at this point, I’m pretty sure that no internet strangers even know that my book exists.

2) Overcoming doubt. If I were to set to paper all of the things I feel I need to make my book a success, at the top of that list would be ‘be confident’. I sold houses for a living for a very short period in my life, and the reason I had to hang up my realtor hat was because I didn’t have the confidence it takes to make it in that industry. You have to be able to walk into a sales encounter with the confidence that you are the best person to help Person X buy a house. You have to believe that you are the best agent out of all of the other agents. And that simply wasn’t me. I couldn’t even fake it. The same principles apply to this situation- I need to have the confidence to push a product of my creation that I know at this point in my life will most likely be the weakest book of all of the books I will write. I know that the book has problems- both typos and conceptual. I wonder if the subject matter is to simplistic. I worry that the characters are flat, or predictable, or inconsistent. And whenever I try to sell my book to someone, I have to fight the voice in the back of my mind demanding that I explain how the book isn’t prefect. But I can’t do that, because salesmen don’t do that. All I can do is polish my product as best as I can and just own it as a good attempt at my first book.

1) Change Expectations. It didn’t turn out the way that I wanted it to, and I need to accept that. I’m in my 30’s- this is a fact of life for with I am all too familiar. It just…. it sucks. It feels like I have been studying my whole life to be a doctor. I have been tinkering away for years trying to learn the ins and outs of the human body, and when I emerge with my medical license… I discover that everyone has been replaced by robots. Ok, so that may be a tad hyperbolic and not exactly fitting to this particular situation… but that’s how I FEEL. Publishing a book isn’t stuffing envelops to the handful of publishing houses anymore. Publishing a book is the act of slipping mention of your book under every internet rock that you find. And yeah, maybe this post is a little self-serving as an attempt to direct you HERE:

http://a.co/52WAx4j

 

My thoughts on: Sleep

The other night I had a dream. I found myself sitting in a philosophy class back at Akron U. It was apparent to the professor and to the students that I didn’t belong. Or rather, there was a time where I belonged… but it wasn’t at that moment. I protested to the professor (who happened to be Dr. LiVecchi- the professor who intimidated me the most all those years ago) that I had actually graduated with a bachelor’s in philosophy. The students mocked that it was almost 10 years ago (bollocks… they were right! ) and that it was not likely that I had retained anything. Dr. LiVecchi asked me who my favorite philosopher was. “Easy. Kierkegaard.” I snapped. (haven’t mentioned that chap in a long time) and he asked what my favorite work of his was. “Fear and Trembling.” I snapped back.

And then I woke up.

For 4 years while I studied philosophy the names and books of philosophers were always swimming on the surface of my brain. Once I graduated, those names began to sink down… down… down deep into the spooky unknown depths of my brain. Up until that dream, I figured that all of that information was gone completely, leaving only fragments of words and names that no longer had any meaning or context. So out of curiously I reached over, grabbed my phone, and did a quick google search to see who wrote Fear and Trembling. And wouldn’t you know it- I was right. It was very exciting to learn that all that information was still in there… but the more I thought about it, the more uneasy it made me.

What’s going on in that squishy brain blob up there? More importantly, what is going on when it’s asleep? I’ve read a number of theories about humans and why/what happens when we sleep… and they are all pretty cool. I’ll list them not in order of importance, but in the order that I remember them. Because I’m tired.

5) Science still doesn’t know WHY we sleep. More or less. It is considered to be one of science’s great mysteries, but there are a few theories floating around out there. Unlike hibernation, which is utilized to regulate and slow physical functions- breathing, heart rate, and body temperature- sleep serves to benefit the brain moreso than the body. We don’t hibernate at night- because it’s important to be alerted easily (to, for example, be able to hear the ice cream truck far enough in advance to gather up some loose change). A few theories point to aid in consolidating new memories, and repairing cognitive functions. But… just imagine that you are a member of an advanced civilization who crash lands on Earth and begins to study the creatures living here. You admire their thirst for knowledge, revel in the magnificent things they can do with food, read their books, listen to their music, converse with them on deep existential topics… and then BOOM: they all fall unconscious for about 8 hours.

4)Lost Identity. Imagine that you are here with me and we’re talking. I ask you ‘what makes you special?’ And you spout some witty remark to try and be cute and I roll my eyes and say ‘No, seriously… what would you say makes you you?’ You would probably say that your thoughts and opinions… your goals and your dreams… all of which are a product of the experiences and the memories that you have made make up you. But what happens when you are unconscious (sleeping)? Is that person laying in bed still you? When you roll over in the middle of the night to flip your pillow to the cool side… who did that? It’s like turning off your computer at the end of every night. The next morning you don’t really think about the small miracle that happens when you turn it back on and all of your saved data is right where you left it. Now take that same computer idea and apply is to your goopy, sticky, squishy brain.

3)Dreams. Holy smokes do people love talking about their dreams. Some people think it’s foreshadowing, or it’s a portal to other dimensions, or it’s a way to talk to the deceased. Science has a few theories… all of which are equally cool. Threat simulation might be the coolest- it’s a way for our brain to prepare for actual threats we may find when awake. That’s just how great our brains are… while we are sleeping anyway. My brain runs ‘threat simulation’ when I’m awake… but during daylight hours it is classified as ‘worry’ and people tell me to ‘calm the eff down.’ Some also think it’s just the brain’s way of making sense of the randomly firing neurons during sleep. To me, that theory makes the most sense. It’s the reason why I once had a dream about swatting flies while shopping at the mall. Fired neurons usually correspond with thoughts… but if you’re not around to think you brain picks the thoughts for you.

2) Nightmares. If the topic ever comes up about nightmares, I can talk your ear off. When you dream and it’s random and weird you don’t think a whole lot about it. You wake up and go on with the rest of your day. But nightmares are different. Nightmares elicit feelings that linger with you throughout the day. I had a reoccurring nightmare for about a week about an old woman pulling a dollhouse on a wagon filled with body parts. If I saw it in a movie I would say ‘whatevs, BFD. That’s not scary’. But for some reason, within that dream, I was HORRIFIED of that dollhouse. My unconscious mind tied a feeling a acute horror (something I don’t experience in my stupid suburban life) to that dollhouse, and I couldn’t shake the feeling because it was something I had yet to experience.

1) Requiem for a Dream. That’s such a good movie, isn’t it? If you haven’t seen it I highly suggest you go check it out.  I don’t have 5 things for this list. I’m sleepy.

 

*edit: While thinking back on old philosophy professors that I had, I decided to look them up on Akron U’s website… and found my favorite one retired. I looked him up on the interwebs to see if I could see what he is up to and found out some disturbing facts: He was in a car accident because he was drunk/on drugs in 2001 (at the age of 70!), and his house looks like the house from Grey Gardens. This dude was so amazing- he used to have long conversations with Oliver Sacks that he would record and play for us in class. He worked on a board that determined which people should get organ transplants over others. He wore tweet suits and bow ties and smoked a pipe- a real cliche within the philosophy department.  

 

My thoughts on: Politics

In moments of frustration, I have come on here to vent about politics. And I never hit publish. That being said, if you are reading this you are reading my first public political rant. This is a big day. I keep my lips zipped when it comes to politics for one reason: expressing my opinion changes NOTHING. Not only does it change nothing, but it also makes my environment just a little bit worse. I’ve been called spineless for saying that both sides have merits and I wont cheer for a team. And since I’m an open person, i thought “DOES that make me spineless?” After much consideration, I came to this conclusion: No, it doesn’t make me spineless- it makes me smart. Because only in politics can you get away with calling a friend spineless.

I have read (most of) Bill Clinton’s autobiography My Life (cut me some slack- it’s a BIG BOOK.). I have read George W Bush’s autobiography Decision Points, and I will read Barack Obama’s autobiography presumably titled Why Can’t I Just Eat My Waffle. What I learned was that each man was (spoiler alert) human, and they honestly wanted to make the country better and leave a positive legacy. Picking apart every little aspect of a candidates life is such a LAME way to spend one’s time.

This time around, i’m not going to do a top five list.

Top 100 conversation topics that are better than politics

1. Cats in boxes
2. Hot dogs
3. Project Runway
4. Jurassic Park 5
5. Tartar sauce (it’s just pickles and mayonnaise!)
6. Star Wars
7. Jnco jeans
8. Conveyor belt sushi restaurants
9. Super Mario Bros. 2
10. The cupcake dog
11. Chernobyl
12. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
13. Where do all the bobby pins go?
14. Neptune
15. Mighty fine a’pickin and a’singin
16. Sleeping
17. Vanity license plates that restate the type of vehicle
18.  Color tinted sunglasses
19. Multiverse Portals
20. Origin of words
21. Anvils in Bugs Bunny cartoons
22. Shrimp cocktail
23. Asymmetrical haircuts
24. Bourbon
25. Whatever happened to Psy?
26. Buddhism
27. Sam from Clarissa Explains it All
28. Circus Atari
29. Goats
30. Nintendo Amibos
31. Spicy food
32. Dental work
33. Gravel?
34. Blind dates
35. Chop sticks
36. Google
37. Oregon Trail
38. Food from trucks
39. Abandoned amusement parks
40. Suicide notes
41. Fallout 4
42. El Chupacabra
43. Pluto: still a planet in our hearts
44. Groot
45. Dungeons and Dragons
46. Target
47. Portland?
48. It’s weird we all know how to spell Mississippi.
49. Middle Earth
50. Urban Fantasy Novels
51. Menches Brother’s Hamburgers
52. Deep fried candy bars
53. Who is Sargent Pepper?
54. Bento Boxes
55. Myspace
56. Sunblock
57. Minecraft
58. South Korea
59. Hot or Not: Netanyahu
60. Baby Boomers
61. Curb your Enthusiasm
62. Boss Monster
63. Left handed people
64. System of a Down
65. Jonathan Taylor Thomas
66. Dodgeball
67. The Weather
68. Sport
69. Christmas
70. Personal Winter Experiments
71. Kierkegaard
72. Chickens
73. Antarctica
74. Lasagna Soup
75. Hoard vs Alliance
76. Rolling Acres Mall
77. Ships in bottles
78. 80’s aerobics
79. Disney’s Pocahontas
80. Watermelon
81. Catherine
82. Saying the name “carl” like “coral”
83. Ski Free
84. Reebok hi-tops
85. San Diego!
86. Affordable home remodeling
87. Being able to count really high
88. Feeling healthy
89. Getting desert at a restaurant
90. Birds are modern dinosaurs
91. Rain
92. Breakfast for dinner
93. Amazon Pantry
94. Mad Max: Fury Road
95. Internet cat gifs
96. Troy Baker
97. Websites that turn your name into a face
98. Marshmallows
99. Times Square
100. Awesome blogs

My thoughts on: Winter

Christmas time is so great- all the decorations and the smells and the sounds… I especially love the juxtaposition of these things against a beautiful white backdrop. But there’s a problem.

IN NEVER SNOWS DURING CHRISTMAS.

After we take down the trees, and the lights, and throw away the egg nog… just like clockwork… it starts to snow. And snow. And snow. and it doesn’t stop. (My, i’m sounding like quite the oppressed Midwesterner) Believe it or not… I kind of like the cold. But i hate shoveling snow, and i miss wearing sneakers. And i bought a 2 seater hybrid last year like a ding dong… so driving on snowy roads is terrifying. And for some reason- it’s considered strange for a 30 year old woman to go sled riding alone. It’s cute when you’re little, and considered ironic when you’re in your early 20’s. But for some reason if i showed up at Firestone Park with my Little Mermaid Sled without my kids… i’d get some weird looks. (Add that into the PRO column for having kids). It’s getting to me, this winter. I can’t go running, i can’t go for a fast drive on the freeway blasting music with my windows down, i can’t walk to the grocery store, i can’t open my house windows when one of the cats thinks the living room is a litter box. How am i supposed to deal?

With that being said. Today’s list:

Top 5 reasons why winter doesn’t have to be so bad.

5) The clothes are like wearing blankets. And they hide extra pie. Ugg boots look stupid, but holy cow are they comfortable and warm. Pair it with some wool socks, a pair of fleece lined leggings and an oversized sweater… and it feels like you never got out of bed. ::air guitar::

4) Netflix. Netflix. Netflix. Bad weather can leave you with nothing else to do other than to plow through 3 seasons of House of Cards. Not like i did that. I do declare, i wont be subjected to such wild and unfounded accusations.

3) Conversation. I think that it’s cute, and kind of quaint, when people talk about the weather. There was a guy stocking bananas at the grocery store who asked some old woman (presumably one he knew) how she was. She said with the most miserable face “i’m sick of the snow. no one will plow my driveway.” And it led to the most adorable interchange. Or one day i walked to the grocery store after our first bad snow storm and decided to get a bowl of soup before i went home. While i was eating it there was a group of retired men sitting at the table across from me and all they talked about was the weather. Call me a weirdo, but it made me smile. It’s like living in Stars Hollow. Only i’m not smart… or particularly witty.

2) Pie. Did i mention the clothes allow for more pie? Sadly it’s hard coming up with 5 things…

1) The snowpocalypse solution. This is a new idea drafted by two minds delirious from cabin fever. And this is the reason for the post. Get ready to travel full circle, friends. Ok. SO. Every time there is a predicted snow storm (or snowpocalypse as i call them) i always go to the grocery store for snacks. (my reference to my trips to the grocery store in this post is borderline embarrassing). I’ll buy a hickory farms snack tray, some hummus, some fruits (to remind me of seasons past) coke, and chips. None of which we need to eat… and most of the times we don’t eat it. But then adam mentioned how sad it was that we took all the Christmas decorations down. And he put on some Christmas music. So i said: WHAT IF… instead of going to the grocery store for snowpocalypse snacks i went to target and bought snowpocalypse presents and wrapped them in Christmas paper? It would make being snowed in just that much better… and we would get a little taste of Christmas when there’s ACTUALLY SNOW ON THE GROUND.

 

end rant.

 

My thoughts on: Kindness

WARNING: THIS POST GETS KIND OF CHEESY

 

It’s been a rough week. I submitted the first chapter of a book i’ve been working on to this website that is run by a published author/editor and has peer contributions. It took about two weeks for my submission to end up on the front page of this site. Want to know the address of the site it was on?

Too bad.

Let me tell you why. For two weeks i pondered how this chapter would be received. The optimist in me (the one who should be smacked in the face with a hot frying pan) Thought it couldn’t fail- it had everything that a first chapter should have. I had a few people read it over before i sent it- and it got the thumbs up go-ahead. And worse case scenario, the peers would hate it but the editor would appreciate it. I’ve been writing for quite some time time- my experience has to show. And then it happened- i got the notification that my chapter had been submitted. I logged on to the site… and was met with some pretty harsh criticism from the editor. So i went about my day, and thought “surely the peers that frequent the site will vote that it’s good” (there’s a polling option on whether or not you would continue reading). When i got home that evening, i was met with super harsh criticism and an overwhelming amount of NOs. There were only two people who voted yes: myself and (speculating here) a confused old lady who though that she was voting no). Now i feel that it should be noted that these harsh criticisms did not make me crumble and cry and mope and give up writing. It just stung a bit and made me think “MAN, the internet is harsh.”

I’m involved with a writing group with a bunch of friends, and we all write and critique each others work. Even when a friend is a bit too harsh on something i wrote, its ok- because they’re my friend. I know that they are not coming from a malicious place. But when a random internet stranger does it… it feels a bit like being sucker punched. So, in light of this harsh dose of digital reality, the list this time around:

Top 5 reasons you should be kind. 

5) You could live forever in someone’s memories. I will never forget the guy who pulled up in the El Camino and asked if I needed a ride when he saw that i had been waiting 2 hours for a tow truck at the gas station. Or the teenage girl walking down the sidewalk who asked if i needed help carrying in my groceries. Or the neighbor who brought over a tray of delicious food when your grandma died. Who wouldn’t want to hold a place like that in the special “memories worth keeping” file in someone’s brain??

4) You’re going to die. Spoiler alert! You get one shot at this life, and that’s it. You could spend it making people feel down and dejected so that you yourself can sit high atop a mountain of others’ despair, only to inevitably die and be forgotten… OR you can be kind, and helpful. And maybe your words could inspire someone to do something great. And their great works will be passed along to the next generation…. and in essence… you will be living forever!

3) You could be the dedication in someone’s book. Yup, this is the driving force behind this post. Writing a book is hard. It takes a long time to conjure up a story, hone this skill to write it, and find the time to put it down. All the while you are fighting the voices that are telling you “No one will read this, why are you doing this?” When you are critical of someone’s hard work, you are tearing them down. This could be said of any craft. If you want to be on a dedication page, receive a bouquet of flowers, a high five, or a really long and awkward hug—- be constructive AND kind when reviewing something.

2) Tittat. It should never, ever be the reason you are nice… it’s just a perk. Tit for tat- if you are nice to me, i’ll be nice to you. It’s the reason why 100 people at McDonalds got free food that one day. And why did it stop? Some jerk. Some jerk who wasn’t a nice guy.

1) We’re all in this together. Winters are cold, jobs are monotonous, bills are expensive, the good foods are never the ones good for you, people get sick, things break or get lost, and there’s never enough time. But the one thing we can control- people don’t have to be cruel.

My thoughts on: Being happy

I’ve been kind of down lately. I’ve been grumbling about stupid things like broken coffee makers, slow work weeks, boring weeknights, and health food. I realize that when i look upon the bigger picture, my first world problems are lame, and i am equally lame for letting them get to me. Sometimes, i need a reminder that the world is a playground and i just have to stop worrying about every single little thing and just enjoy the tiny little things that make life pretty great.

Top 5 things that you should be happy about. 

5) Going for a jog. … … … hahaha- just kidding. Running is the worst. In fact, NOT RUNNING is number 5. You know how great you feel after you have just gone for a run? Screw what science tells us about endorphines— we feel great because we have STOPPED RUNNING. For too long humans teetered at the top of the food chain, constantly on the lookout for hungry bears. Or Mountain lions. Or poisonous snakes. Or the honey badger. How many times did we, as a species, have to run for our lives from angry predators? A lot, i bet. And now, after the brutal and bloody demise of so many of our ancestors… we now run for fun? It’s spitting in the face of all the half eaten stumps of people who couldn’t outrun a bear that came before us. Whenever i’m feeling sad or down, i remind my self “I don’t have to run. I have the ability to sit on this couch and watch TV without the fear of a bear ripping my arms off and beating me with them.” Just take a moment and let that sink in.

4) Driving. When did driving become such a chore? People will pay 50 bucks to get into Cedar Point to wait in 3 hour long lines to sit in a cart that goes down a hill at 75 miles per hour. A gross, rickety metal cart littered with nervous people’s funnel cake farts. They don’t have a radio, you have to sit next to a stranger, and you will most likely lose an article of clothing at some point. What people fail to realize is that they have a roller coaster car that they paid thousands of dollars for just sitting in their driveway…. they just don’t know where to take it for a fun drive. You know how to learn where all the great driving hills are? Live in an area that gets buried in snow every winter… and you will learn REAL FAST where the steep hills are.

3) NES Games. Yeah, maybe watching an old episode of Full House will briefly take you back to the good old days before you were a grown up and were haunted by grown up responsibilities. But there is nothing like playing an old NES game. And different games hit you in different feels. If i pop in the original Super Mario Bros., it reminds me of basically any random day of my childhood, because that was one of the few NES games that we owned. Duck Tales, on the other hand, reminds me of those magical friday nights and saturday mornings after you got to rent a game from the video store. Sonic Spinball reminds me of Christmas and those popcorn trio tins. And no matter how bad life beat you down on that particular day, when you pop in one of those old games you are presented with a challenge you can actually reach: Save the princess. Every time i sit down with the intentions of saving the princess, i use the secret warp tunnel and then die in level 5 because i didn’t get warmed up enough. One day… one day i shall beat that game.

2) Space. It’s pretty cool. And pretty big… and it just keeps expanding. And if the multiverse theory is true, there is a place where you are reading this dressed as Batman. You can look up into the night sky with a head full of domestic worries and concerns, and in another universe, a you dressed as batman may be wondering if somewhere in the universe there is a you leading a simple life with simple problems. Think on that for a minute, and then unwind with this picture of a cat with its head in bread.

1) Off switches. I often need to be reminded of this. I feel like if the animals we live with were able to articulate their thoughts, they would ask us “Why do you get so upset by things that come out of those bright shiny boxes?” It’s a hard thing to do (why, i don’t really know) but the amount of peace i get from shutting off my computer and my phone for even just an evening is alarming. I love that i have a device in my pocket that keeps me in contact with everyone all the time. I love that if some one wants to tell me something at any time of the day- they can. But sometimes, taking a digital vacation reminds you that the things you are worrying about really aren’t that big of a deal after all.

My thoughts on: Turning 30

I’ve been paying closer attention to life lately. I’ve been noticing that my friends are not only acting older… but they’re LOOKING older. Not in a bad way, of course. Let’s see, how can i put this. Ok. How about this: If we were to be cast in a new season of Saved By The Bell, we wouldn’t be cast as the students any more, but the teachers. Plus i saw that a girl i used to go to school with was actually in a commercial for a kids toy- as the mom. When i was little the Mom in those commercials always seemed so old. But they were probably 30ish. Instinct tells me that i should be bummed about this. But whenever i get a moment to think, i try and look on the bright side.

Top 5 reasons why turning 30 is pretty cool: 

5) You can look both forwards AND backwards. When you’re young, they say that you have your whole life ahead of you, and it’s all so new and exciting. But where i am now… it’s pretty cool. I can look back and laugh at all the stupid the crazy things i did in my 20’s: mostly things i regret, some i treasure and revisit often.  I can also look ahead at all the future trips we’ll take, people we’ll make, houses we’ll buy, goals we’ll achieve. In a 4 act play, the curtain is going up on act 2: The characters have been introduced and you’re just beginning to understand where this play is going. It sounds sappy…and i hate sappy- but this is truly my outlook on life right now.

4) Being boring makes you endearing instead of a loser. This is purely speculative- because i myself may be considered a loser by everyone and just don’t know it. (And that is a very likely scenario). I just love it when i see people post on Facebook about their netflix marathons and their crate of chinese take out for dinner. I think those people are awesome. What i hate is blurry drunken duck-face selfies with captions littered with “inside joke” nonsense. I feel like at 30, we’re at the point where were are deemed “cool” by who we are, not what we do and how many people we were with when we did it. BUT, like i said before, this whole thing could have been written by one big fat loser.

3) Sir William Joel finally speaks to you. You go your whole life saying “Bah” whenever you hear a Billy Joel song. You think he’s lame and tame and boring. But then one day…you’ve had a long day at work. And your head hurts from all the ringing phones. And your pants are fitting a little too tight because you’re getting fat. Then “She’s Got a Way” comes on the radio and you’re holding back tears. You are so moved, and the world looks different. The colors are more vibrant. You feel the need to make floral arrangements. “Who sang that beautiful song” You ask. And discover it was Mr. Billy Joel. It’s a big moment in ones life when Mr. Joel decides to speak to you. Has it not happened to you yet? Be strong. Be patient. Billy likes to pick the perfect moment.

2) Heightened sense of importance because the current generation is hopeless: Now i know that every generation says the exact same thing about the generation that comes before it. But what i have discovered the older i get, is that it’s HARD watching the generation below you use the currently technology. If i got to play the Sims when i was 12 i would have been so excited i would have pooped my pants. I was a big fan of playing pretend when i was little. I used to take my moms old MLS books and broken phones and play real estate agent with my neighbor in my garage. I played house on the playground. I lived for polly pocket. I even used to play out stories in my head when i played the Little Mermaid, Aladin, or Lion King on my Sega Genesis. I would avoid anything that would hurt me and use them as props in the story that i was unfolding in my head. As soon as the plot demanded a change of location, i would hurry up and beat the level. These things developed my imagination. I know I am only saying what the generation above said about me, and what the generation below me will be saying about the generation below them…. but it still makes me feel like a more evolved and more capable woman.

1) Ice cream for dinner.* Yeah, since turning 18 i could TECHNICALLY do this. And i did… a lot. But ever since dropping 45 pounds last year, i feel that my decision to consume sugar for dinner is a planned out and calculated move. I planned, ate healthy before and made time for a small work out. It’s was grown-up decision. Hmm. The more i type this the more i think i should change the title of this one.

            *AMENDED* 1) The ability to expertly rationalize any terrible decision. 

 

My thoughts on: Procrastination

There are about 100 things i should be doing throughout the day. Whether it be clearing those 750 picture off my phone (pictures mostly of very important food) so i can actually take pictures for work, sign up for that class to get a certification, work on that novel, or organize my desk— i would be mortified if i was able to watch a re-play of the day before i went to sleep each night. What would be on that tape? During my free time, i would be watching myself watch cat videos and read AMAs on reddit. (I must have spent half a day reading Jackson Galaxy’s AMA). Every night, i lay in bed thinking about all the things i put off for the next day. And because i’m such a nice person and i hate it when i beat myself up about things— i blame any and all outside factors for my inability to make the next day a tad easier for myself. Like what, you may ask? Why, i’ve made a list!

5) Netflix. This is going to date me a bit— but when i was in college i lived for car-naps. I purposely scheduled my classes with a 50 minute recess so i could drag myself to my car for a nap. Then i had a bright idea- what if i could watch TV in my car? Madness! It was 2005- there were no iphone or ipod touches. I had a motorola razor for crying out loud. So for Christmas of 2005 my parents got me a portable DVD player… but that thing had a terrible battery life. Then the Christmas of 2006 i got a PSP. The only way to watch TV was to buy those UMDs. I had 1: Family Guy. Which held about 4 episodes that i watched over and over. Christmas of 2007 i got a video ipod and stopped studying in the library. No matter where i was on that Akron U campus- i was watching Seinfeld on a 2 inch screen. Luckily i graduated in 2008… or else i would have been in trouble. NETFLIX makes it possible to watch TV where ever you are, and no matter what you’re doing. I’m a simple woman, and i love my stories.

4) GOATS. Have you seen those videos of screaming goats? Sometimes, when i’m working on the computer (and watching my stories on Netflix) i remember that YouTube houses so many magnificent videos of goats screaming. If you were to go back in time and tell 17 year old Tara that her novel keeps getting pushed back because she gets distracted by videos of goats screaming on YouTube, she would have responded with “Wow, the future sounds AWESOME”

3) YouTube WANDERING. It starts by a goat video. Then they suggest a video of a cat eating a banana. Then a cat eating a footlong sub. Next you’re watching the final scene of Full House. Then a guy jumping off a roof into a pool. And suddenly, you have fallen deep into the YouTube and found you’re watching a childbirth video. You respond by turning off your computer and stress eating a bag of Fritos.

2) SPELUNKY. This is a small little game that is super punishing but incredibly rewarding. I find that when i leave the house in the morning my mental “don’t forget” list runs as follows: Keys, checkbook, wallet, phone, planner, PS vita. During those times throughout the day where i could be thinking about my future, balancing my checkbook, making grocery lists, reading a book… i break out that stupid game. Someone who answers to the name Adam once said “you’ll never beat that game”…. so i beat it. After i beat it, he said “you’ll never make it to the secret level.” And so. My side quest in my life so far in 2014 has been to beat the secret level and rub it in Adam’s face.

1) NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES. Our grandparents, and our parents, and even younger versions of ourselves used to only have to put aside 1-2 hours a week for the shows that we loved. They came on once a week, after we ate dinner. The mentality of the programmers were “what else are people doing at 8PM on Tuesday night? Lets entertain an otherwise dark and boring hour.” We whined and complained when we had to wait full 7 days to watch the other part of that 2 parter. We would look at the clock, and see it was 8:56 and say “they’re never going to be able to save the president in 4 minutes… no… no… they wont—” and then it happens. TO BE CONTINUED. Now Netflix has solved that problem. Instead of waiting until next week, they put on an entire series at once. So instead of sitting on the couch for an hour on tuesday evening, you’re in your underwear for 8 hours avoiding texts such as “Sally just had her baby!” or “We’re just gonna order appetizers until you get here” just waiting for that epic moment when George Michael Bluth does his impression of a chicken.

 

My thoughts on: Bad Dates

I was doing some aimless facebook wandering tonight and came across an old boyfriend. “Oh i haven’t seen him in a while i wonder what he’s up to?” So i moved my mouse over to the “Add friend” button when i stopped. “Wait, Tara, hold on. Didn’t he make you mad once, and you made a scene in front of all his friends?” So i didn’t send the friend request. But it did make me curious to look up all those people i went on terrible, terrible dates with. That’s why Fabebook exists, right? That and to take picture of food. I don’t know why people keep using it to capture major life events. More pictures of food, people.

So i made a list of the top 5 worst dates that i’ve been on. And after i finished writing the list, i leaned back and smiled. GONE are the days of dates for me. Through marriage, i have earned the privilege of mindlessly looking though pinterest without pants or makeup, eating ice cream while with the company of a man. Marriage ain’t so bad.

Top 5 worst dates: 

5) The Litter Bug: I had picked him up and we had planned to go to the drive in. He got in the car, opened up the newspaper (yes, this was about 10 years ago) and started listing off the movies as i drove. Once we had decided on one (and i think it was Vanilla Sky), he balled up the entire newspaper and threw it out of the roof of my car. Mortified, i backed the car up and made him pick it up. Yeah, that was a pretty bad date. Vanilla Sky was good though.

4) The old one: This one was a set up. I had gone out on a few dates with this one fellow, decided i didn’t much care for him, and astonishingly enough, remained friends with him.(He passed away a few years ago and makes me sad thinking of him) He set me up with one of his friends- who was 36 (and i was 24-25 at the time). He was a high school math teacher, and showed up to our date in a crisp blue button down shirt, and khakis with chalk on them. At this moment, i wished i lived under Cat Law, because i would have got up out of my seat and just walked out the front door. We had terrible dinner conversation- he laughed like a crazy person at all his lame jokes, told me that he DIDN’T WATCH TV, and (much to my surprise) loved rap. We met up with some of my friends later in the night, and he insisted on walking me to my car. I put a hand on door handle, gave a wave and blatantly lied and said “Thanks for a nice evening”. In which he interpreted as “You touch boobs now?”. I backed up, let out a laugh, and cringed. Then i drove away. In a different universe, he’s writing down a list of HIS worst dates, and i would fall under number 4- girl who lied about having a nice night

3) The one who wasn’t so bad: I met this one during my “Lets find strangers on the internet” phase. We met for coffee at starbucks, and other than the fact that he was short, he wasn’t half bad. Did i go home and immediately write in my diary about how great he was? No. But the winter of 2004 was long and boring. He had traveled a lot, so i had to listen to a lot of stories about how wonderful planet earth was. Yawn. But we had the same taste in everything, and he was a doctor- which was pretty impressive after dating a lot of directionless college freshmen. But after one decent date, he told me the next day he had got back together with his ex. Being the type of gal who swallows rejection elegantly, i gave a gentle sigh, nodded, and told him to screw off.

2) The Notebook Guy: We sat next to each other all though my American Religious History Class. This was my very last class in my very last semester at Akron U. I thought he was cute… and like a true crazy person, i got his email address off the roster. After the last class, i sent him a painfully sad email asking if he wanted to get coffee sometime. Something along the lines of “hey, i’m that weird chick who sits next to you. We talked about how excited we were that gta4 is coming out that one time.” He agreed. We got lunch at Chipotle (which was dreadful). I found out he was a Marine- impressed. I found out he liked country- i could look past it. He suggested i come back to his house while he grabbed his mail. He showed me his serpent collection- lizards and snakes and fish. As i was uncomfortably scanning his DVD collection, i let out a laugh and said “The Notebook?” And he looked at me, very sternly, and said “Yeah, why? It’s a great movie. Nicholas Sparks is a great storyteller.” I let out a sarcastic laugh, and he continued to stare at me like i just called his mom fat. And that was the end of that.

1) The Musician: Going on a date with a musician, in my experience, is like being the girl in a john mayer music video. And this is a very lame thing. I wasn’t a cast member in the date, i was an audience participant. Instead of the conversation being along the lines of “So what’s for favorite movie of all time?” I got strange questions like “If you were in line in the grocery store, and a shark cut you in line, what would you say to the shark?” (I think he thought he was showing off how clever he was) Or, and i hope everyone is reading this on an empty stomach, because it’s hurl worthy- He wrote down on a napkin yes or no, gave me the pen and said “Do you like my brown eyes, circle yes or no.” And when the date was over, he shook my hand. /facepalm.

My thoughts on: Cats

The stray cats in our neighborhood are becoming quite the problem. The woman across the street, bless her heart, just keeps feeding them. This food gives them just enough energy to get it on (verly loudly and publicly, i might add) and have bunches of kittens. And then she feeds the kittens, and then they get it on. It’s a vicious cycle and i’m getting to the point where i think i should step in and trap these cats and get them fixed. This realization came when i noticed, as she was walking her dog, that she had about 9 cats “escorting” her down the sidewalk. I have to admit, I was a tad jealous. Because cat affection is hard to get. And she had close to (i’m guessing here) 15-20 admirers. In our household of 2 cats, i only have 1 admirer. The other, i’m certain, is plotting to kill me. So yeah, i’m a bit jealous. I heard that this place in Massillon will fix the stray cats for free if you are able to trap them and bring them in, and i am really considering doing this. If i don’t I’m quite certain that in a year or two, our neighborhood will have to submit to Cat Law. But then i thought, maybe cat law wouldn’t be so bad.

Top 5 reasons cat law would be better than human law

5) You can destroy things in the name of anger. This is a totally acceptable way, in cat world, to express how you feel. Gone are the days of counting down from 10, going for a run, or taking any prescription drugs to tame your feelings. Get rejected for a date? Knock over a lamp. Boss being a jerk at work? Poop on the floor. Did the restaurant overcook your steak? Shred someone shoes to bits. Not only will you feel better, but the other cats will take notice and admire you.

4) You can destroy things in the name of happiness. Cats do this weird ‘kneading’ thing when they’re happy. Usually to all my favorite blankets. They claw at it, ever so gently, while purring. I googled it once and it has something to do with feeling comforted when they’re kittens. Who knows, cats are weird. In my heavier days, my gut seemed to be like a wonderful water bed, and they would knead and purr and it was so cute i just let them go ahead and do it. And it’s the reason all my fat clothes have tiny holes from where their claws would get stuck , they would panic and dash off, taking some of my shirt with them.

3) Acquire a deep, profound feeling of importance simply by gazing out the window. Our cats spend most of their time gazing out the window, darting their heads back and fourth with every simple movement from the outside world. Sometimes, when something epic goes down (like a robin hunting for a worm in the front yard) Maiev (our cat) will dart from one front window to the next, securing every possible entry point the malicious robin could possibly breach. And there is nothing you can say or do to tear her away from her duties- not even with the suggestion of some fancy feast. To Maiev, she is the guardian of the estate, protecting it from sparrows, moths, and the occasional breeze-carried maple leaf.

2) Decline all social invitations by simply walking away. So, has your childhood friend Mittens invited you out to dinner to meet her current boyfriend (in a long line) Mr. Fluffy? It’s hard coming up with excuses on the spot, we all know this. “Sorry, Mittens, I have an evening planning of pooping outside of the litter box and scooping litter all over the floor” or “That chick i live with just bought a new pair of shoes so, naturally, i have to destroy them.” Gone will be those days under cat law! The typical response in these situations is to stare blankly at Mittens for a few moments. Once you have developed an adequate feeling of awkward, you will now walk a few feet away, lick yourself, and continue the awkward stare until Mittens discovers a butterfly to chase around.

1) Sleep when you are tired. There is no set schedule for sleeping like there in under human law. You don’t sleep when the sun goes down, you sleep when you are tired. Lets say you spend a few minutes chasing a fly around the house. Once it’s deceased, it’s time for a 3 hour nap. Get a drink of water? Nap. Throw up your Friskes? Nap. Notice those people who live with you are sleeping? TIme to sit on their face and nap.